and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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