I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
This is the prime rib incident all over again
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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