girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
