I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
My dick has a subreddit
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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