Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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