What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Two words: nipple clamps
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