chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
