Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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