Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
