I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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