Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Randomize
