I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
it's like iHOP with fire
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
