she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize