I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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