Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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