Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I just blew my weed a kiss
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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