I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
