Your mouth is God's brothel.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize