Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Randomize
