Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
is wine microwaveable?
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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