I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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