took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
