Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize
