Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
