You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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