you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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