Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I am mentally ready for anal.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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