At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
