Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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