I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
