so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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