We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
