Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
