Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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