it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Randomize
