i just wanna soil my oats bro
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
