My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
