...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
