none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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