I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
