literally had 100 drinks last night.
I cannot find my penis.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
dude i'm inner monologue high
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize