I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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