imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Randomize
