I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
