she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
