a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
