She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
