Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
