im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
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