I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
