remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Randomize
