ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Randomize
