dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
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