I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
