last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
