I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
