I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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