there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
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