Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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