Soap is not a condiment
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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