I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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