Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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