I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Randomize
