If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
how does that bad decision feel?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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