i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
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