She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
