Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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