the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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